Dungeon Etiquette Basics

Written by: Kai Brave

Every dungeon operates differently. While there is no single definitive standard for how to behave in a dungeon, we have some recommendations on best practices that will keep you out of trouble in most dungeons. Check out our etiquette recommendations and rules below and see you out there in the scene!

Understanding the community

Before getting into the details of dungeon etiquette, it’s important to understand that kink is a community first. Kink is great for these things:

  • Exploring your interests with other like-minded individuals

  • Finding community, acceptance, and belonging

  • Making friends and developing long term relationships

  • Being in a space where people look out for each other and keep each other safe. Finding a safe space to explore your kink interests

KINK IS NONE OF THESE THINGS:

  • An easy way to find hookups

  • A place to cruise or creep around

  • A way to get instant gratification on a particular kink you want to try

If you approach kink in one of these ways, it is likely you will harm yourself, harm others, or be ostracized from the community. We recommend taking a community approach first and treating the space and people in it with the respect they deserve. We are all human beings trying to co-exist and create safe space for our shared interests!

With that in mind, here are some of our basic dungeon etiquette guidelines and rules that will help you have a good time and not get kicked out.

Respecting scene space

  • Respecting scene space is extremely important! If people look like they are engaged in play, do not:

    • Talk to them

    • Touch their toys

    • Walk through their scene

  • Give people space and be conscious of encroaching on their physical and energetic space

  • 4-6 ft is a good rule of thumb for “giving people space”. This is also for your own safety! If you get whipped or flogged in the face because you walked through someone’s scene, it is your fault, not theirs.

  • Watching scenes casually is fine and usually encouraged! “Gawking”, making extensive eye contact, or uncomfortably staring at a scene is probably not the best idea

Respecting aftercare space

  • Respecting aftercare space is just as important as respecting scene space! After a scene, players will usually want to find a quiet, calming place to cool off from their scene. Aftercare may include things like: talking, eating snacks, drinking water, cuddling, kissing, or having sex

  • Do not interrupt aftercare and do not engage or talk to players who look like they are doing aftercare. 4-6 ft is a good rule of thumb for giving people space for aftercare.

  • Don’t touch anyone’s belongings while they are in aftercare

Touch and consent

  • Kinksters care a lot about consent! This applies to all forms of touch

  • Touching without consent is not recommended and for some parties/organizers can get you kicked out, sometimes without warning

  • Ask before touching!

    • “Can I give you a hug?”

    • “Nice to meet you! Would you prefer a handshake or a hug?”

  • Consent applies to belongings and toys. Do not touch anyone’s belongings or toys without their affirmative, verbal consent.

Preferred names, pronouns, and gender identity

  • You should respect people’s choice of name, pronouns, and gender identity

  • Always use folks’ preferred names while in a dungeon. “Outing” someone by using their legal name, dead name, or non-preferred name may result in complaints to the organizers, and potentially getting kicked out of the party

  • You should respect people’s pronouns. Consistently misgendering people or using the wrong pronouns is not acceptable and could result in warnings from the organizer and cause attendees to disengage with you

“Isms” (racism, misogyny, sexism, ableism, anti-semitism, classism, transphobia, xenophobia, islamaphobia, fatphobia)

  • Are all generally not tolerated in kink spaces. Many kinksters belong to one or more vulnerable or marginalized groups of people. Kink is often the only safe space for these people to express themselves. Using slurs or putting folks down based on their identities might result in complaints and getting kicked out

  • In a broader context, please also know that the roots and history of kink are largely based in the gay community, especially gay men and lesbians associated with the leather community. To this day, the LGBTQ+ community is well represented in kink. Anti-LGBTQ+ sentiments are especially not acceptable in kink. Some kinksters may be especially sensitive to heteronormativity.

Phones & Recording Devices

  • In most dungeons, phones and recording devices are strictly banned. Using your phone, camera, audio recorder in a dungeon is likely to get you kicked out of the party, in many cases without warning

  • Some dungeons will require you to tape over the camera on your phone

  • We recommend storing your phone in a separate bag or in a locker while you are in any dungeon so you aren’t tempted to look at it

Solo scenes

  • Many dungeons do not allow solo scenes / solo play such as masturbation

  • Masturbating to someone’s scene, especially in a disruptive manner or in a manner distracting to the participants, is likely to get you kicked out of the party. Watching scenes respectfully is part of “Respecting Scene Space”. Masturbating to a scene, especially in close proximity to that scene or in a way that is disturbing the players, is not good dungeon etiquette