Intro to Negotiation and Questions to Ask During Negotiation

Written by Kai Brave

Intro and Disclaimer

This is a reference guide and set of questions intended to help newer folks with negotiation. Most folks with more experience in the scene will have their own styles of negotiation and specific questions that they may ask - and that's OK! These definitions and questions may not work for you and that's also OK. I hope providing these can help with some inspiration for folks that might be stuck coming up with what to ask or talk about during negotiation.

I also want to point out that I don't ask all of these questions for every single negotiation. Sometimes they aren't relevant to the scene or person or I might have an established dynamic or trust with the person where I don't need to ask them the same question every time. I do find these to be particularly pertinent for pickup play where I either don't know someone or don't know them very well. I hope you enjoy this guide and get something out of reading it.

What is a negotiation?

Before engaging in kinky play with someone, you should discuss the things you intend to do with that person. The discussion of what you intend to do is called a "negotiation". Negotiations have a few critical components. Every negotiation should include:

  • Discussion of each person's "safewords". For a list of standard safewords, see https://jesterpresents.com/safewords. You should explicitly state what your safewords are and what they mean to you.

  • Making an aftercare plan. Aftercare is what you do once you've completed your scene to take care of yourself and your partner. Common aftercare activities can include: cuddling, a blanket, snacks, water, dark chocolate, debriefing the scene, moving to a quieter area or room, having silence, turning down the lights, playing chill music, leaving the party, having sex, brushing hair, taking a shower. This is a non-comprehensive list and only you can know what the right aftercare is for you and your partner(s). Important note: every participant in the scene should have an aftercare plan! Please don't make the mistake of thinking that tops / Dominants don't need aftercare. They do - it just might look different than what bottoms / submissives need!

  • Getting affirmative, specific, verbal consent for everything you'll do during your "scene". For more information on this, see Newbie Consent Guide for Pickup Play

  • (Optional but highly recommended) Making a "trigger plan". A trigger plan is like an aftercare plan, but specifically geared towards how to care for someone when something is very wrong. Imagine that you're playing with someone and they are suddenly brought back to a very intense and traumatic memory. They are now in an elevated or "triggered" state - what can you do to help them calm down and take care of them? This is the purpose of a trigger plan. Only you can know what will work for you and everyone will have different needs when it comes to triggers. Some people will need to be left alone. Others will need physical or verbal comfort or calming. Discussing this ahead of time helps you to be prepared in case someone in a scene becomes triggered.

How to dig deeper on negotiation

After you've discussed the basics of negotiation - what you're going to do, safewords, aftercare plan, trigger plan - it can help to dig deeper in order to provide nuance and mutual understanding about the scene you are going to do. I believe that intent matters just as much as action when it comes to negotiation. Here are some different categories of questions you can ask to better understand both intent and action. Many of these are written from a Top perspective, but all questions are relevant to any participant in a scene, Top or Bottom. Please rephrase as needed for your own use.

Intensity & Goals

  • How intense of a scene are we going for? Describe what that means to each person.

  • What is your goal for this scene? Note - scenes absolutely DO NOT have to have specific goals in mind. Some people are goal oriented and this might be a good question to ask to figure that out.

  • Why is X your goal? How will we know if we have reached X goal?

  • What does success look like for this scene?

  • Do you desire emotional and/or physical closeness as part of the scene? What about after the scene?

  • For impact or a scene involving pain, consider using a Pain Scale

  • For scenes with lots of intensity, what is the intent? Or - why are we going for intensity? Is the goal to push? To challenge? To submit? To serve? To suffer?

  • For masochists - what type of masochist are you? Why do you desire X sensation? What does it do for you psychologically / why is it satisfying to you?

  • For impact - is breaking skin ok? Are you prepared with the necessary precautions / procedures to take care of yourself if skin does break? Do we have bandages / antiseptic on hand?

Experience with X Kink

  • Tell me about your past experience with X. Has it generally been pleasurable? Fun? Why are you wanting to do X today?

  • Does X make you excited? Scared? Anxious? Aroused?

  • What skills do you have with regard to X? Can you demonstrate those for me?

  • What safety precuations do you have around X? How will I know if X is being done safely?

  • Where on the body do you want X to happen?

Sexuality

  • Is kink sexual for you? In what contexts? Are you wanting a sexual scene today?

  • How much touch do you want / not want? Where do you want it? How will I know to stop or slow down?

  • Sexual intent / sexual tension scale - In terms of "intent" NOT action, rate your desired scene from 0-10. 0 means totally asexual in intent and 10 means we're so horny we need to fuck in the bathroom immediately when the scene is over. Importantly - this scale should convey INTENT not ACTION. A 10 does not mean sex will happen, it only means both people are agreeing to the intent of having lots of sexual tension during the scene.

  • Sexual actions. What sexual actions are we wanting to do? On what areas of the body? Is protection involved? Penetrative sex? Anal sex? Groping? Oral? Fingering? How much of the scene should be focused on this versus other aspects?

  • STIs. When was your last STI panel and what were the results? Have you added any new partners since then? Are you currently fluid bonded with anyone? Do you have any active STI symptoms?

Pre-Existing Conditions and Injuries

  • Do you have any underlying health conditions affecting your ability to do X?

  • Do you have any injuries or pre-existing conditions that might become relevant during the scene?

  • What should I do to take care of you if one of your conditions or injuries becomes an issue during the scene? How do I know when to stop or seek help for you?

Awareness of Risks

  • Are you aware of the risks with X activity? What are they? Do you have precautions in place to guard against such risks?

  • Are you prepared for the possibility of an injury (psychological or physical) occurring with X?

  • What level of risk with X is tolerable for you? What does that look like practically?

Physical, Emotional, and Psychological Well-Being

  • Have you eaten today? When was the last time you ate? Will you potentially become hungry during the scene?

  • Have you had enough water? Side note: you should always have water on hand regardless of the answer to this question

  • How has your mood been today? Are you feeling anxious / excited / aroused / depressed? Do you feel comfortable with moving forward with our plans to do X? Have you taken any required medications today?

  • Do you anticipate any psychological issues coming up for you related to X?

Body Language and Communication

  • How will I know you are having a good time?

  • Do you have any signs (physical or verbal) that you're enjoying yourself or not enjoying yourself?

  • Do you anticipate cussing at me? Screaming? What are typical noises you might make while doing X?

  • Do you often go non-verbal? Are you able to answer yes or no questions if you are in subspace or otherwise unable to speak easily?

  • Are you typically talkative? Is casual conversation OK? Do you ever bring up non-kink topics during a scene? How should that be handled / responded to? Should conversation be focused on the scene itself or the task at hand?

  • Are there any scenarios where you might be unable to safeword? If we are binding you and/or gagging you, can we come up with an alternative or non-verbal safeword method? **Side note: common methods for non-verbal safewording can include - "Drop Bells" or anything that can be dropped on the floor to make a noisy signal, hand signals, taps on the body (like in martial arts), blinking eyes with a specific pattern.

Bratting

  • Are you intending on bratting today? What does that look like?

  • Have you ever had a situation where you were bratting and your top couldn't or didn't handle it well? Or a situation where you did not get the desired effect? What happened? What would you do differently in the future?

  • How do you want me to respond to bratting? If you anticipate bratting in this scene, what are you intending to get out of it? Do you want me to give X to you or withhold X temporarily or indefinitely?

  • What are your boundaries around bratting? What level of bratting is acceptable? What actions are acceptable (as a Top or Bottom)?

  • As a brat, is your want/need to struggle? To win? To lose? To lose slowly? To tease? To be punished? To be desired?

Pet Names and Honorifics

  • What pet names / honorifics do you enjoy during scenes? What pet names / honorifics are you wanting (if any) to use during this scene for you or for me?

  • Do any pet names / honorifics carry emotional significance for you? What do they mean? Why do they mean that for you?

  • For X pet name do you feel - highly negative - slightly negative - neutral - slightly positive - or highly positive about it? Why do you like / dislike it?

  • Are there any pet names / honorifics I should absolutely avoid?

Power Exchange (PE) / Power Transfer (PT)

  • Is PE/PT typically involved in your kinks? Is PE/PT a core part of your kink identity?

  • Are you wanting PE/PT as part of this scene? What actions can I take to make this happen?

  • Do you typically go into subspace? What does that look like? What types of impairment do you expect to have (verbal, psychological, physical) should you go into that space? How will I know when I should try to get you out?

  • (For Tops) Have you ever had a time where you lost control of a scene or lost control of yourself? What happened / why? How would you do things differently in the future?

Check-Ins

  • Do you want to have regular check-ins during the scene? What should I ask? How will you respond if you're having a good time or not?

  • Do you want a check-in after the scene? When is best for a check-in? 24 hrs later? 3 days later? 1 week later? How do you want to have that check-in (do you want to share contact information)? What do you typically like to discuss during that check-in? What is the best format for the check-in (text / video / phone call)?

Final Word

Thank you for reading and I hope this provided some insight into how to negotiate with depth and nuance. Feel free to leave a comment below with any questions or suggestions (but please for those experienced kinksters let's avoid nitpicks).

Additional resources

A list of additional negotiation resources can be found at the bottom of my other writing here: Newbie Consent Guide for Pickup Play