Guide to your first play party
So it’s your first play party? Great! We hope this guide helps you to navigate attending a BDSM play event for the first time.
What is a “play party”?
A play party is an event where kinksters come to socialize, engage with their community, and of course.. to play! Play can be anything - it could involve role play in various roles (like pets, “littles”), it could involve relationship dynamics (like “power exchange” or “Dominance and submission”), it could involve sex, or it could just be platonic cuddling. All of these are valid types of play and at any given play party, you are likely to see a wide range of types of play.
Coming to play parties is a great way to get exposure to all the different types of play that exist in the kink community and to educate yourself about how other folks play. If you’re looking to learn more about kink or discover more of your own kinks, coming to play parties is a great way to do that.
What is a “dungeon”?
A dungeon is a space or venue where kinksters have congregated to play! It’s where the “play party” is hosted. Typically dungeons feature BDSM furniture like St. Andrews Crosses, spanking benches, medical beds, mattresses, and other goodies.
What does a “dungeon” look like?
Here are some photos of our dungeon to give you a sense! Every dungeon is different and you should not expect other dungeons to have the same furniture or layout.
What if I’m not ready to play?
This is absolutely OK! Most play parties will encourage active consent - meaning that if you don’t want to play, nobody is going to force you or pressure you to do so. In fact, pressuring someone to play is explicitly against our organization’s policies. Before playing at a party, we recommend educating yourself on consent and negotiation. Negotiation is a discussion with your potential play partner about what you’re going to do, how you’re going to do it safely, and how you’ll take care of yourselves afterwards. If you want to know more about consent and negotiation, you can read our “Basic Consent Guide”.
If I’m not playing, then what do I do at the party?
Our best recommendation for what to do at a play party is to observe. Voyeurism is a huge part of the kink community and a big reason why many folks enjoy coming to play parties. Coming to observe is the best way to learn about how other folks play, learn about new kinks, and to feel more comfortable in the space. Of course, don’t be creepy while you are watching. The kink community has a set of norms and etiquette that you will be expected to follow. You can read more about this in our Basic Dungeon Etiquette Guide. Many dungeons will also have an orientation to help you understand the rules of the space before you are allowed into the party.
If you feel up for it, we also recommend networking and socializing! Kink really is a community first and many folks come to parties in order to see their friends (and sometimes play with them). Meeting folks at parties is a great way to start building connections in the community and start building a sense of belonging and acceptance. In general, kinksters tend to be very open minded, friendly, and curious people. We have a high proportion of neurodiverse, Queer, and (obviously) sexually deviant humans. If these things sound like you, you are probably in the right place! Coming to parties is a great way to meet like minded folks.
What should I expect to get out of my first party?
Setting the right expectations for your first party is crucial for success. Here are some goals for your first party:
Find one scene that looks interesting to you and observe. After the party, consider what you liked or disliked about that scene
Meet one new person. If you meet one new person at every kink event, you are doing great! If you make a new friend, that’s even better.
Try to orient yourself to the dungeon’s rules and etiquette. The more of this you can absorb at your first party, the more prepared you’ll be for success later!
If you can do all these things at your first party, you are off to a great start. If you want to take things even further, you can try networking more in the social areas of the party or volunteering for the party. Both of these are great ways to get more connected to the kink community. In general, we don’t recommend playing at your first party, but if you do want to play, you should brush up on consent and negotiation before doing pickup play.
Which party should I go to first?
We don’t have a great answer to this one besides “trust your intuition”! Many play parties are themed - if the theme speaks to you, it might be a good choice to go! If you anticipate being sensitive to edgier kinks or more intense scenes, we recommend avoiding any parties whose themes include: “edge play” (dealing with death), knives, needles, blood, any mention of “heavy play”, consensual non-consent - these parties are going to feature more intense and potentially triggering scenes. On the other hand, if you don’t think any of these things will trigger you, we recommend attending the party. It’s a great way to get more exposure to the “deep end” of kink and to see what is possible within the realm of BDSM.
Many organizations have “newbie parties” which are parties specifically geared towards newer kinksters. These can be a good place to start, but you may not get as much exposure to what is more typical of a BDSM party. If you’re still not sure which parties to go to or have more questions about dungeon etiquette or basic consent, you can take our “Welcome to the Seattle Scene” class which goes in depth on all of these topics and is specifically designed to prep you for what to expect from the kink scene.
How can I learn more about kink?
Education is an extremely important component of the kink community! To find local classes, you can check out a couple of our resource pages below. You can also look out for any classes hosted by our organization (Wicked Jester). We typically post our events on our homepage, on the Seattle BDSM Calendar, and on Fetlife. For more specific resources, you can see the links below: